I'm Proud of You, Honey

As much as I beg Andrew to come home, to not go to Iraq... I am proud of my soldier. I am proud to say, "Look there. That man is going to be my husband. Look how brave he is, serving for his country." I hope he knows how proud I am of him. He is strong and true. Loyal. He says he has a job to do and he is damn well going to do it. I respect that in him, so very much. I wish I was half as strong as he is. I wish I had even half the courage, half the motivation, half the balls that he has. Maybe I do, but I haven't yet discovered it within myself.

If asked to go to Iraq to help with the war, I would do it in a heart beat. But I think that perhaps I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. I would go to Iraq, where people are dying every single day, not necessarily to assist the nurses and doctors or anything of the sort - but because he is there. Because it would mean being closer to him. I am not saying that I wouldn't help the doctors and the nurses; I most certainly would. But I wouldn't do it for the joy of helping wounded humanity but for the joy of being in the same vicinity as Andrew, and that is probably a disastrous flaw in who I am. I think it is called selfishness.

The way I see it, life is not worth living by myself. Life is not worth living without Andrew. And the risks that he takes, I want to take, too. If he dies fighting for his country, I want to die fighting beside him. Fighting for his life. Fighting for our love. Is that not the most important thing to fight for? Love?

Who thinks I'm crazy?

Now It Hits Me

Andy is finally going to Iraq. I knew this day would come, but I'd hoped it wouldn't. Time has a way of speeding up when you want it to stand still, and slowing down when all you need is for it to go fast. I can't keep myself from crying. Everything that I see and do and hear reminds me of him and then I get to thinking about how long it will be until I see him again. I knew this would hurt, but I didn't know that it would be this bad. He is not even out of the country yet and I already miss him so much. All I can do is be supportive and keep telling myself that he will be home. We will have our wedding and we will spend the rest of our lives together. If I had nothing except for Andy, I would be happy. He is all I need. Everthing I experience, I want to experience with him.

I realized just now how grateful I am that God brought us together. I keep asking him to bring Andy home to me. I hope he hears. Andrew is a part of me. He is my other half. Without him, I don't know what I would do. My life would be empty and cold. He needs to come home. I have not been able to look into his eyes as much as I'd like. Or kiss his lips as often as I should. I haven't been able to touch his skin or feel his breath or hear his heartbeat often enough. God, please bring him home to me. I promise I will be a better person. I swear that I will work hard to be all that you wish of me. God, I would do anything for you if you allow him to return to me. I want to spend the next eighty years, or more, in his company.

I love him so very much.